You're manic or you're depressed, will you ever feel okay?

I don't know what's going on lately. I don't sleep (or not very long), I have overspent for the last week on things that I don't even remember buying, I am flirty and playful and social, conversations come easy, when normally, I can't think of one funny thing to say, it just comes out lately. I think everyone wants to fuck me, and I'd happily do it if asked. I'm also anxious about things that I can't even think of. I'm annoyed very easily, more easily than normal (and that's saying something). I can't think of things very coherently. I  might have a coherent conversation, but in my head, a million other things are happening.

There's a guy I've been talking to since... Thursday, I think. I gave him my number on Friday. Then today (Saturday), I'm upset that he hasn't texted me or called me. Like, really? You don't really know this guy, you don't have any clue what he thinks of you... You probably are annoying the shit out of him every time you talk to him.

I can't focus on things I enjoy. I have music on just because it blocks out the chaos in my head. Going outside, the sun is too bright. Every colour is brighter, more vivid.

You'd think not having an antidepressant would make me, well, depressed. Instead, everything is awesome. But I know it's not. I know this is insane, and I should call my doctor BEFORE I crash. Because that's what will happen. I know that's what will happen. I'm too afraid to call this mania or hypomania. Because that's acknowledging that the psychiatrist at the hospital last year was right. I don't want them to be right. I'm still coming to terms with this diagnosis. It scares me. Last semester, I just stopped taking any pills. It was a nightmare of a depressive episode. So, my thought was maybe I'm just depressed. But this is just too scary. I am dressing more extravagantly... I'm smiling at people, talking to them even. I'm jealous and angry and scared. I don't know what I'm feeling. I'll be hungry but not want to waste time getting food or making food. Eventually, I will eat, because not eating makes me feel sick.

Even now, I'm not sure I'm making any sense. I shiver when I'm not cold. I want to do everything and help everyone, but I don't know how to help myself. I don't know what I should do right now. Do I call my doctor and just repeat all this? He might just say, "Oh, well, that's interesting" and be done. I don't want to lose it, because it feels better than the depression, but I know it could become just as debilitating. But I don't want him to increase my  mood stabilizer, which I blame for the lack of hypomania since the summer. I want to be happy and confident all the time. I don't know how to do that. How do people do that?

Any advice is appreciated.

Knowing that you once were mine, all mine.

I haven't really written about him in years. He is the reason I believe I can be loved... but he's also the reason I'm not sure I'll ever love again. At least not how I love him.

And that's exactly the problem, isn't it? I typed "At least not how I loved him" and knew it was wrong, so changed it. I haven't stopped loving him; I doubt I ever will. I began talking to him in October of 2007 and realized I cared for him, very deeply, that December. The next year we were in a relationship... or as much of one as you can be when one of you is in the US and the other is in England. We talked pretty much daily, as much as we could... and maybe we shouldn't have. Maybe things would have been better off if we had breaks from each other. It doesn't help that during that time, my symptoms of bipolar were becoming more and more evident. We would argue a lot, over my insecurities and jealousies... If he told me he would do something but couldn't for some reason... It's funny, because even though I remember how much we argued, I still think I was happy. 

We were "together" for about 6 months.

I talked to him (instead of emails) for the first time since mid-October. All I can think of is... Why does he keep coming back to me? He says, "I enjoy talking to you." But I know, just from how he looks at me and smiles, that that isn't all of it. He smiles the second I do... And I smile biggest when I'm talking to him. It seems so weird to love someone so far away... But everything about him is so right for me. It's my only hope that someday he'll be in the US or I'll be in England... And really, what's more likely? (correct answer: me in England). I just want him to realize that what he feels is more than friendship. We both know it is... I think we just can't explain it properly. He especially can't. But there's something. I just wish it mattered. Does it matter?

Between a man and a woman, life begins again. Between love and confusion, there lies only pain. Take my word, heal my soul, shake my pride, I'm too proud to let go. Give me the sun and the moon above, if the stars should fall, only heaven knows. Between a man and a woman, it's everything or nothing at all. Everything or nothing at all. Neither rhyme nor a reason will make us think the same. You tell me I'm half crazy... but you're insane. Take my word, heal my soul, shake my pride, I'm too proud to let go. Give me the sun and the moon above, if the stars should fall, only heaven knows. Between a man and a woman, it's everything or nothing at all. Everything or nothing at all. She says love me like you did, you did before. He says love me like you did, you did once more. Between a man and a woman, it's everything or nothing at all. Everything or nothing at all. Take my word, heal my soul, shake my pride, I'm too proud to let go. Give me the sun and the moon above, if the stars should fall, only heaven knows. Take my word, heal my soul, shake my pride, I'm too proud to let go. Give me the sun and the moon above, if the stars should fall, then only heaven knows. Between a man and a woman, it's everything or nothing at all. Everything or nothing at all. Everything or nothing at all. Everything or nothing at all. - Flogging Molly "Between a Man and a Woman"

Most Boring Blog you will Ever (not) Read

So, before I go to bed, I'm writing another blog, as promised, mostly to myself.

I get to view an apartment tomorrow morning. I'm sort of nervous. I mean, what do I ask? I suppose I need to know if the rent is just a flat-out rent... like, one person can pay it or if it's already split in two. Also, if there are rules about cats - declawed, spayed, etc. Sox is spayed, of course, but I didn't get her declawed. I find declawing a little gross, really. If I can avoid declawing any of her paws, I will.

I'm going to run out of Cymbalta before I can get the prescription filled. I wish my dad hadn't acted like I was so irresponsible for not noticing. I expected the mail to take a week. When it wasn't delivered, I checked to see what happened. I figured if it took that long to mail, I should check. When I saw it wasn't even listed, I called my dad to see what he had to say. I knew I needed to call my doctor and probably the insurance company, and I will. I am 22. I wish he'd stop treating me like an idiot.

My disbursement hasn't come through yet... That's really freaking me out, because I'm basically out of food. That's going to be fun.

I need to do a lot tomorrow, so time to sleep.

Hello Helicopter, have you heard the news?

So, in some random fit of wanting to tell people what's been going on (and in hopes that it will actually help me somehow) I've created a blog. I'm going to try to write at least every other day, if not every day. I find it relaxing, which I think will be very important for me.

Classes started this week. Due to a crippling depressed episode last semester, I am only taking two classes: Physics of Societal Issues and Civil War and Reconstruction. I think the work load in both classes is going to be okay for me. I feel like an idiot only being in two classes, but at least I'm still alive to feel anything. My hope is that I will pass these two courses and be able to handle a full load next year. I know that I'll be in school considerably longer than any of my peers, but my goal is to survive to finish school. I don't know what I'm going to do with a history degree, but it has always been a subject I've loved.

I was recently started on Abilify. I was last on Seroquel for sleep, but it made me feel like a zombie. I take my Abilify in the morning; so far my sleep is actually regulated quite well. I get 7 to 8 hours a night. It's weird feeling tired at night and being able to sleep. I wake up a few times each night, but it isn't impossible for me to sleep again. It's a nice change for me. I'm not sure if this is the miracle drug for me, but so far any stress seems manageable. I'm able to leave my dorm when I have to.

I'm looking into apartments for next year. Probably a studio apartment (they're the cheapest) where I can have my cat. So far, I have contacted three places. I really hope I'll be able to have an apartment, even if I am alone. It'd be great, because then people could visit me and actually have a place to sleep. I just hope it won't be too expensive. I can't do another year in the dorms. I need to learn to survive on my own, take care of a home and pets. It would be a good lesson for me to learn. I really, really hope I can do this.

I suppose that's all I have to say for now. We'll see in a couple days what happens.