I don't know what's going on lately. I don't sleep (or not very long), I have overspent for the last week on things that I don't even remember buying, I am flirty and playful and social, conversations come easy, when normally, I can't think of one funny thing to say, it just comes out lately. I think everyone wants to fuck me, and I'd happily do it if asked. I'm also anxious about things that I can't even think of. I'm annoyed very easily, more easily than normal (and that's saying something). I can't think of things very coherently. I might have a coherent conversation, but in my head, a million other things are happening.
There's a guy I've been talking to since... Thursday, I think. I gave him my number on Friday. Then today (Saturday), I'm upset that he hasn't texted me or called me. Like, really? You don't really know this guy, you don't have any clue what he thinks of you... You probably are annoying the shit out of him every time you talk to him.
I can't focus on things I enjoy. I have music on just because it blocks out the chaos in my head. Going outside, the sun is too bright. Every colour is brighter, more vivid.
You'd think not having an antidepressant would make me, well, depressed. Instead, everything is awesome. But I know it's not. I know this is insane, and I should call my doctor BEFORE I crash. Because that's what will happen. I know that's what will happen. I'm too afraid to call this mania or hypomania. Because that's acknowledging that the psychiatrist at the hospital last year was right. I don't want them to be right. I'm still coming to terms with this diagnosis. It scares me. Last semester, I just stopped taking any pills. It was a nightmare of a depressive episode. So, my thought was maybe I'm just depressed. But this is just too scary. I am dressing more extravagantly... I'm smiling at people, talking to them even. I'm jealous and angry and scared. I don't know what I'm feeling. I'll be hungry but not want to waste time getting food or making food. Eventually, I will eat, because not eating makes me feel sick.
Even now, I'm not sure I'm making any sense. I shiver when I'm not cold. I want to do everything and help everyone, but I don't know how to help myself. I don't know what I should do right now. Do I call my doctor and just repeat all this? He might just say, "Oh, well, that's interesting" and be done. I don't want to lose it, because it feels better than the depression, but I know it could become just as debilitating. But I don't want him to increase my mood stabilizer, which I blame for the lack of hypomania since the summer. I want to be happy and confident all the time. I don't know how to do that. How do people do that?
Any advice is appreciated.
I think you should call your doctor. I know you're scared, god knows I would be in your shoes. I know you know that running from your diagnosis won't make it any less real. It doesn't make you any less normal, or less of a person. You're Caitlin(!) and you will always be Caitlin(!)no matter what. If you crash, you're gonna hear it there too, except instead of it just being a phone call, you'll be in the hospital again. I know how you feel about wanting to do everything and help everyone, I'm the same way. You have to be able to help yourself first. How can you be someones wall to stand on if your foundation is shaky?
ReplyDeleteI can't say I fully understand exactly how you're feeling, so I wont pretend to. But I think you will feel a little better once you start to come to terms with all of this, it will be one less thing for you to feel anxious over. I don't think anyone is happy and confident all of the time, even if they seem it. It's like what Stephen Fry said about emotions being like the weather. Things will get better, but you have to remember that if you aren't willing to help yourself, it's going to be a hell of a lot harder.
Also, I know I can't make you do anything, so I will just simply ask. Please eat, It's important that you do especially with you being diabetic and all...Also, you should talk to a doctor about the shivering, you could be anemic or have a thyroid issue like Graves...it causes tremors, insomnia, nervousness, restlessness, difficulty concentrating etc. I don't mean to scare you...it's just a suggestion...
I'm sorry I couldn't be of more help, but I hope I helped in some way...