And that's exactly the problem, isn't it? I typed "At least not how I loved him" and knew it was wrong, so changed it. I haven't stopped loving him; I doubt I ever will. I began talking to him in October of 2007 and realized I cared for him, very deeply, that December. The next year we were in a relationship... or as much of one as you can be when one of you is in the US and the other is in England. We talked pretty much daily, as much as we could... and maybe we shouldn't have. Maybe things would have been better off if we had breaks from each other. It doesn't help that during that time, my symptoms of bipolar were becoming more and more evident. We would argue a lot, over my insecurities and jealousies... If he told me he would do something but couldn't for some reason... It's funny, because even though I remember how much we argued, I still think I was happy.
We were "together" for about 6 months.
I talked to him (instead of emails) for the first time since mid-October. All I can think of is... Why does he keep coming back to me? He says, "I enjoy talking to you." But I know, just from how he looks at me and smiles, that that isn't all of it. He smiles the second I do... And I smile biggest when I'm talking to him. It seems so weird to love someone so far away... But everything about him is so right for me. It's my only hope that someday he'll be in the US or I'll be in England... And really, what's more likely? (correct answer: me in England). I just want him to realize that what he feels is more than friendship. We both know it is... I think we just can't explain it properly. He especially can't. But there's something. I just wish it mattered. Does it matter?
Between a man and a woman, life begins again. Between love and confusion, there lies only pain. Take my word, heal my soul, shake my pride, I'm too proud to let go. Give me the sun and the moon above, if the stars should fall, only heaven knows. Between a man and a woman, it's everything or nothing at all. Everything or nothing at all. Neither rhyme nor a reason will make us think the same. You tell me I'm half crazy... but you're insane. Take my word, heal my soul, shake my pride, I'm too proud to let go. Give me the sun and the moon above, if the stars should fall, only heaven knows. Between a man and a woman, it's everything or nothing at all. Everything or nothing at all. She says love me like you did, you did before. He says love me like you did, you did once more. Between a man and a woman, it's everything or nothing at all. Everything or nothing at all. Take my word, heal my soul, shake my pride, I'm too proud to let go. Give me the sun and the moon above, if the stars should fall, only heaven knows. Take my word, heal my soul, shake my pride, I'm too proud to let go. Give me the sun and the moon above, if the stars should fall, then only heaven knows. Between a man and a woman, it's everything or nothing at all. Everything or nothing at all. Everything or nothing at all. Everything or nothing at all. - Flogging Molly "Between a Man and a Woman"
It matters. You're right in saying you probably won't ever stop loving him, because with people like that. How can you? There are some people who find the little nooks and crannies in your mind and in your heart that stay there and you won't ever be able to get them out no matter how hard you try. But maybe there's a reason for that, maybe they're supposed to be there. They aren't meant to go away. You can be loved, and I think you can, and will love again. Maybe you won't love them the way you love Matthew, but everyone's different so can anyone really love two people the same as they'd love the other? I don't think it's possible no matter how similar, it may be, or feel. But
ReplyDelete*but if everyone could love the same how unique would love be then?
Delete